Shame vs. Shaming

In an episode of a podcast called "Harry Potter and the Sacred Text," one of the hosts made a point about how shame is the longest-lasting emotion she knows of. As an example, she cited memories from high school. 

I don't remember any of the tests I was proud of getting an A on in high school, but I definitely remember those times I embarrassed myself in public. I still look back on them sometimes.

I'd like to take a look at the difference between shame (the emotion you feel) and shaming (the action of trying to make another person feel shame). To get to my point, I think I will have to approach it through a metaphor, because of course I will. What do you think I am? A normal person? 

Shame as a Tool

I think it's important to think of shame as a tool. We can use it to incentivize good behavior and discourage bad behavior. Or, more accurately, we can use it to promote *effective* behavior and to make *ineffective* behavior less appealing. 

When I tell a joke and it makes people laugh, I have performed an effective action, achieving the goal I had in mind. When I tell a joke and no one laughs, I have performed an ineffective action, failing to achieve my goal and in addition feeling some amount of shame for having been exposed as ineffective in front of other people. 

There are two distinctions that need to be made, though: 

First, that shame is a social emotion. It is an emotion of comparison, which while deeply unpleasant, is not something we should disregard. Without the comparison of "should" (I should have done this instead of that) the emotion of shame does not happen. 

Let me reiterate. If you do not feel like you have fallen short of a standard or expectation, you cannot experience shame. Now, you may feel vicarious shame, for someone else's failure to fulfill expectations or live up to a standard, but without the social expectations imposed on us from outside and internalized in our own lives, shame cannot exist. 

Second, that shame is an internal comparison. When used externally, it is no longer a tool. It's a weapon. 

Shame as a Weapon

The act of shaming another person is the attempt to make them feel shame. I have perceived that this person fell short of a standard or failed an expectation, and I want them to know it. I am shaming them. 

There is a difference, of course, between constructive criticism and shaming. One is intended to help a person improve. The other makes a person suffer. They may have the same motivation, but they do not have the same outcome. While shame (the emotion) often has a social, comparative element to it, shaming (the action) presents itself as sitting on a moral foundation. This removes the subject's ability to defend themself against the shame being imposed on them by framing the failing as one of personality or character. 

Again, I want to emphasize that shame is not an inherently bad thing. It is unpleasant, but it serves a purpose. Shaming, on the other hand, is unproductive, unhelpful, and often destructive. It serves no purpose other than the temporary satisfaction of people who feel better about themselves through making others feel worse. 

Cringe and Embarrassment

If we see shame as a spectrum, from extreme to mild, I think we might argue that the range of emotion that might qualify as "shame" is actually quite narrow. Too mild, and it's merely embarrassment. That's still unpleasant, but has little element of "should have," instead focusing on the perceived reactions of others to the embarrassing action. Too severe, and the shame becomes cringe, which can be personal or vicarious, depending on the situation. 

The lovely and intelligent Contrapoints has made a video explaining the internet phenomenon of cringe, but allow me the pleasure of attempting to describe it here. While shame is comprised of comparison, seeing what I did beside the idealized thing I should have done but didn't, cringe is the quality of a past action that makes one feel regret - not necessarily for the action itself, but for being associated with the group or idea represented by the action. It is shame of a sort, but a shame of association, rather than a shame of "should have"s. 

Shame is a useful tool. 
Shaming is an inexcusable weapon. 
Cringe can be harmful if taken too far. 
Embarrassment is mostly harmless. Mostly. 

At least, that's where my thoughts have brought me on this chill winter day. What are your thoughts?